The Art of Listening

I was having a conversation with a couple friends at work.  Somehow we were talking about marriage and kids and relationships, a subject that I happen to be an expert on… or at least I think I know a lot about.  One guy was talking about being a single father and some other stuff, and a brilliant thought came to my head about how relationships work when you live together before marriage and the success rate of those relationships and I was eager to prove my point.  I interjected and began sharing my thoughts.  At some point, I saw his face drop, but because I was riding my high horse into the sunset, I figured it was because my perspectives had shattered his worldview.  After what seemed like a college lectures worth (actually about 2 minutes), I stopped to ask a question about why he and his partner had split up.

The answer was like a kick in the pants, it caught me off guard and I immediately wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.  He shared the story about his wife suffering through depression and bipolar disorder tragically dying.  While it had been several years past, he spoke in a serious and hushed tone.  I realized that I had crossed over a line which I wasn't invited to cross. Whatever credibility I had earned with my superior knowledge of relationships was shattered and I was returned to my lowly status.  Fortunately, our relationship was such that I was able to apologize profusely and we moved on.  It was a rare moment of grace in that he had grounds to close off the relationship, but he allowed me to stay as a friend.

While this story happened a few years ago, it remains in my memory as an example of how not to do relationship.  We all have these moments from time to time where we make assumptions that are completely wrong and offensive.  What I realized, though, is that I need to be listening more.  If I'd stopped for a second and just listened to what my friend was saying and asked some more questions, he probably would have openly shared about his wife in a way that was safe for him and for me.  What I did instead was to assert my assumptions about his behavior and beliefs and beat him down with it.

I wonder if that's the reason modern day evangelism has done so poorly.  Could it be that we're just shouting blanket answers or beliefs in people's faces, but not taking the time to listen or be in a meaningful relationship?  Jesus was relational and took the time to get to know people's hearts, and I think those around him could sense that he really deeply cared about them.  I've found the most effective way of doing relationship in general is a mutual authenticity where both parties lower their shields and share intimately about themselves.  When one party makes assumptions and starts providing undue input, the shields come right back up.

I think that this is a good reminder for me to be listening more, to be asking questions, and to quell my assumptions.